John Blumenthal
Author, Columnist
Corneal Transplant: No surgeon. Just a socket wrench and a marble.
Diabetes: Ten diluted shots of insulin and a Value Pack of sugarless gum.
Medications: A road map to Toronto and a pair of mittens.
Colonoscopy: No gastroenterologist. Just a waterproof mini-camera attached to a garden hose.
Cancer: A card that says “Good Luck.”
Acupuncture: Twelve sewing needles and a Chinese dictionary.
Depression: No shrink. Just a greeting card that says “Cheer Up.”
Alzheimer’s: A bouquet of Forget-Me-Nots from in a glass vase.
Anesthesia: No anesthesiologist. Just a copy of Marcel Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past,” or a bottle of Southern Comfort and a hammer.
Tourette syndrome: A roll of duct tape.
Hospital Stay: One hour on a hospital basement floor and an IV made from a Ziploc Bag.
Tooth Extraction: No dentist. Just a string and a doorknob.
Hearing Aid: A hat that says, “Talk Louder.”
Amputation: No surgeon. Just a hacksaw.
Anemia: Two frozen steaks from Costco.
Severed Finger: A tube of Krazy Glue.
Transfusion: Some red liquid that looks like blood.
Wheelchair: Two used bicycle wheels attached to a garage sale kitchen chair.
Blindness: A leash.
Erectile Dysfunction: A bicycle pump.
Radiation Therapy: A visit to a nuclear power plant.
A Doctor Visit: Ten minutes with a serious-looking guy in a lab coat.
Diarrhea: A cork.
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A former Playboy magazine editor and columnist, John Blumenthal is the author of seven books including the comic novels What’s Wrong with Dorfman? and Millard Fillmore, Mon Amour. He has also written for television and is the co-author of the movies Blue Streak and Short Time. An award-winning curmudgeon and board-certified hypochondriac, he spends most of his time either whining or glued to WebMD in search of diseases that might match the 50 new symptoms he seems to develop each day.
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This has been reposted from The Huffington Post.
Posted August 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm, in Allied Approaches, From the News
